It started at 5:30 am today. The invasion of the beeps, that is. I am not normally an early riser. But the driver of the municipal garbage truck wanted to make sure that he did not reverse into my bed. In fact, a resounding set of beeps let me know exactly to where on the street the garbage truck had progressed.

An hour later the beeps returned for a second intervention. This time, they found an attack position inside the clock on my dresser. Ok, more honestly, I invited them to blast me awake. All the same, I relish the day that I can take a baseball bat to that alarm clock.

Maybe I could tolerate the interruptions if they ended there. But no, the beeps follow me around all day. Is it just me...have I fallen into clinical paranoia? Or are these beeps calculating how to take over my life? I feel like the poor coyote in the old Roadrunner cartoon. The beeps are beginning to taunt me.

Everything beeps. The coffee maker has to inform me the second the coffee is brewed, and my cell phone doesn't want a voice message to go unheard. My computer slaps my ears with a beep each time I click on the wrong choice. I fixed that, though, with my anti-beep weapon of choice, the mute button.

My car is immune to that weapon, unfortunately, I suppose because all the things about which it aims to remind are so deadly serious. It will not let me rest until I comply with a seat belt. The car also shows no beeping mercy for leaving my keys in the ignition or failing to turn off my lights.

Even the office is not free from the beeps. The elevator alerts me that the door is about to shut, the copy machine beeps its readiness for full-time duty, and the printer cries when it's hungry for more ink.

I guess the beep makers assume that absent an annoying prod we will overlook the supreme importance of the task at that moment in front of us. With all these beeps sounding off around me, though, I am having a hard time figuring out which urgency to prioritize. In most cases I am compelled to attend to the shrillest tone, no doubt.

Yet I can feel a rebellion brewing. Tomorrow I plan to walk out of the house and let my microwave whine all day about holding my bowl of oatmeal.

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Anne Nicolai, Minneapolis - My BEEP story on SinglesPartyR 2005-12-14 01:54:09 David, I know you have visited my website (it tracks visitors) and I suspect my story posted there a year ago may have inspired your own. I've posted my BEEP story below, and for anyone who wants to read more of my essays on art, kids, pets, coffee, and the single life can find them at www.SinglesPartyRadio.com (click My Stories)! Anne Nicolai, writer, radio personality, and single mom, Minneapolis, MN Here's my story, written sometime in the 1990s and posted to my website in 2004: [B]Stop the bleepin' beepin'! [/B] Is it just me, or does anyone else feel a wave of violence coming on when they hear "the sound of the beep"? Here's my morning: I am awakened by the first of two alarms on the telephone/clock radio/microwave/Mir Space Station gizmo at my bedside. Zzzzzzmmmmmbwaaaaaahbupbupbupbup. SLAM! I shut it off with a fist. Ten minutes later, alarm number two goes off: deedle-deedle-deedle-deed?WHAP! I hate that thing. Okay, I'm up. On the way to my son's soccer practice, we stop at the bagel shop. I'm about to give my order when?beeeeeeeeeep beeeeeeeeeep beeeeeeeeeeep!?the "bagels done" timer goes off, and all three employees behind the counter IGNORE it. I tell them, "Please turn that off. I can't think. I've forgotten my order." They stare at me. "It's telling us to flip the bagels," says one of them. "Well, FLIP THEM for God's sake!" I hiss. Customers in line behind me back away. After the drop-off at the soccer field, I pull up to a service station for gas and forget to take my keys out when I open the car door. My SUV reminds me of this: Beep! Beep! Beep! I slam the door. Inserting my credit card into the pump produces a brain-skewering beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-bee-beep! I wrestle the nozzle into my gas tank as the pump beeeeep! asks whether I would like a car wash beeeeep! or a receipt beeeeee-bee-beep! Beep! Other drivers are filling their tanks, robotically responding to high-octave electronic stimuli. Hands clapped to my ears, I run to my car, which BEEPS until I slam the door shut. I am breathing hard. I am foaming at the mouth. Inside, the station attendant no doubt is calling 911 to have me removed from the premises. And it's only 8:30 a.m. ? Anne Nicolai Reply | Quote

Kenetic - Beeping Optional 2005-12-14 04:52:56 Normally, I enjoy the insight you make in your posts, but frankly, this one has me a bit puzzled. While it is true that beeeeeeps are prevalent in our society, I feel that few are superfluous and many are able to be configured. For example, the garbage truck's reverse beeping and the unfastened seat belt beeping both serve as warnings necessary for someone who perhaps does not notice [and get out of the way of] the reversing truck or someone who was too busy thinking about beeping in other places to remember to fasten his seat belt. As for nearly every other beeping you mention [and those that you don't] you can do something about them. For example, the voicemail's beeping and the computer's beeping can both be turned off (as you say you do). And you did not have to buy the coffeemaker that beeps. And most alarms can be changed to play music rather than let out shrill noises. Hahah, I guess it's funny that for what I thought was such a peurile post, I actually felt the need to comment (and do so at length). Perhaps if you feel a lack of topics next time, you could talk about the omnipresent flashing of icons. Reply | Quote

Luann Udell - beeps 2005-12-14 05:04:55 Your story reminds me of an article I read years ago in a newspaper. It was about driving in urban areas & beltways and the overuse of horns. The writer said he toned down his (Boston?) driving style the day he realized that in every situation where he used his horn, he could use his brakes instead. It turned out to be better for his blood pressure and his overall mental outlook. It gave me great food for thought and helped me shed my "Rough Riders" style of driving I had acquired in my years of Boston living. I think life in general is like that. In every situation where we could use loud beeps of anger to express ourselves, there might be quiet action instead. So maybe all those beeps are telling you that you need a brake/break in your life, too! Luann Udell Keene, NH Reply | Quote

cat - bleeping 2005-12-14 07:13:29 Thank you for pointing out this pollution of the soundwaves. The constant beeping drives me batty - particularly the airline golf carts that oh-so-slowly maneuver their way through the airport with competing and loud beeping. Why can't they put classical music on these and make them soft enough that you have to actually listen, instead of shutting your ears? (I think I read that the Japanese were doing this). Vacation is the absence of bleeps!! Reply | Quote

Angie - I hear your beep 2005-12-14 09:27:29 [EMAIL]akwhitaker@sbcglobal.net[/EMAIL] David, you are not in a clinical paranoia but there are indeed enough beeps in this world to make you crazy. I rebelled last year and programmed the microwave, alarm clock and other dinging things to make either no noise or a more pleasant noise. Without the cacophony of beeps, life seems less pressured, hurried or urgent. Recapture the tranquility and disarm as many devices as you can! Reply | Quote

Ruth - Beeping Story 2005-12-14 10:26:37 We have a beep of unknown origin in our church PA system that knocks out our assisted listening devices. We spent almost 10 minutes at the beginning of our service on Sunday trying to get the whole thing fixed. I suppose the waiting was a perfect ADVENT illustration! Reply | Quote

John Ince - Ban Backup Beepers: The Campai 2005-12-14 14:37:12 I'm a writer and live on Mt Tam in Mill Valley so I can hear sounds coming from miles away down in the valley. I like to have the door to my deck open while working ... fresh air etc. When I first noticed this beeping sound ... it crept up on me like a mildly disturbing aroma.... beep beep beep ... an aggravation, but in the midst of a busy schedule was never been suffiently bothersome that I would do anything about it But after about an hour of constant and loud beeping I was really ready for battle. So I pulled the door shut which somewhat reduced the noice, but it was still noticable. Then I kept noticing that every time I'd open the door or go outside I was being alerted to something miles away that was backing up .... I had to find out where this infernal noise was coming from and how much longer it would go on. Well eventually, I hopped on my bicycle to locate the source.... finally discovered a work crew putting in a new sewer line on a ridge across the valley about a mile from my home.... That sewer replacement project lasted 4 months ... followed by a road repaving project... followed by another sewer replacement project ... followed by site work on a home... all accompanied by backup beepers. The sound of backup beepers has been nearly constant now for close to a year, here in beautiful tranquil Mill Valley. Enough is enough. Last week I finally decided to do something about it. I registered the domain name: banbackupbeepers.org. I'm on a mission now to ban these infernal monsters through federal legislation.... Help... Where should I start in this campaign? I'm getting ready to post the Website. Give me your ideas and comments: send to: johnince@banbackupbeepers.com. Reply | Quote

Cory Sekine-Pettite - Beeps 2005-12-14 23:45:52 I hear you, but be glad that you don't live in Japan where the cars are designed to beep continuously once the driver surpasses the speed limit. I've lived through this, and let me tell you, it will drive you insane! My father-in-law finally put a stop to it in his car by pulling the fuse that operates the speed beep, but it also cut out his clock! Reply | Quote

David Batstone - Why I wrote this column... 2005-12-15 16:05:33 "Kenetic" wonders why I strolled into the surreal this week. What do "beeps" have to do with purpose, passion, and profit at work? Well, it was an act of spontaneous combustion, to be truthful. On Satuday night I was at a dinner party when one of my friends said, "Aren't all these beeps driving you nuts?" That launched a 10-minute table conversation about all the beeps invading our lives. So when the garbage truck woke me up on Tuesday morning, all of my planned "serious" columns went out the door. I just had to write about the beeps making their unwanted presence in my life. Mind you, I don't mind occasionally writing off-beat columns. The reason I love to write an online column and blog under my own banner rather than for an established media company: I get to write what I like!! Oh, and Anne Nicolai...I do indeed remember you making contact with me about your SinglesPartyRadio. It is fascinating how parallel our remarks are. Shows how great minds beat to the same beep....argh...or something like that. Reply | Quote

Juli Niemann - BEEPS and more 2005-12-19 14:51:03 This morning CNBC started punctuating every statement or chart with whooshing noises,chime alerts,and beeps to attract attention to VERY IMPORTANT STUFF...so we must sit up straight and notice carefully..except that Monday night football uses exactly the same garbage to attract attention to the factoids sweeping the screen. A baseball bat to the TV is the next contact I plan to make. Reply | Quote

Hollis - Noise! 2006-02-03 11:09:48 As the most times proud parent of a Pembroke Welsh Corgi (big ears, small tail) who barks at any noise, I applaud your work to put and end to those beeping beeps. Arf! (Spike agrees). Reply | Quote

jason - What the Beep is up with all t 2006-11-17 01:24:26 I cant stand the backup beeper. Ok so a few people died because they didnt know a truck was backing up. The rest of america that doesnt live rural suffers. There are motion dectors now to beep only when detecting something behind them. Get Busy people I feel like shooting the person that invented this BEEPIN BEEP! I live next to a Time Warner Building and they park there trucks every day twice a day in front of my building. They act like they only the block! Ive been throwing eggs at some of the trucks. Been better than shooting. I already endure garbage pickup by multiple trucks all through the night. Have one BEEPIN truck per street. Where are my eggs? Reply | Quote

andy - beeper basher 2008-05-16 16:54:56 If you do some research, which I did when I determined that backup beepers are the #1 detractor from urban quality of life, you will find an interesting statistic. Most people killed by backing trucks are workers killed by. . . . you guessed it. . . dumptrucks! Put the beepers on dump trucks. They do not need to be on garbage trucks that back up at .005 MPH--all the way down the fricking street. . . Reply | Quote

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